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Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Extracts from a nigga scripture.

The hood called Eden.

In the beginning, Adam, a nigga holding it down in the hood called Eden. Pimped out in Versace, with Jays on his feet like in the chorus of that song 23 by Miley Cyrus, was enjoying a siesta with his mamacita Eve when suddenly she decided to go on a stroll.
“Yo Adam, let me hit the Jacuzzi in the garden for a few.” She said jovially and set out with purpose, she was dressed in a Victoria Secrets bikini, and was looking real good. Looking real good. Just before she got to the Jacuzzi the hater Lucifer showed up, now you need to understand that Lucifer was always trying to hit it but Eve refused him severally.
So when he showed up, his heart green with envy he hollered. “E.V.E, you looking good gal! Same as always, same as always, I got something for you.” And Eve was like, “What the deal is?” Then Lucifer was like “ I got this apple laptop in my crib, and I can pour you some Ciroc too, plus I really think you need to let me hit that.” Well, you know how that story ended.

The burning bush

One hot day Moses was out doing some touring, he had left his Porsche 911 back at his hacienda, preferring to just go on foot. Besides, he had his iPod too, and was listening to some maybach music. Suddenly he spied a burning bush. Damn, he got curious my nigga.
So he decided to go check it out. “Let me drop by in my new new, in my you can’t afford this and check that out.” he thought to himself. When he got to the bush, he noticed something strange, the bush was burning but the bush wasn’t burning. He was like. “W.T.F!” He didn’t know that God was in the fire.
Also Moses was wearing these Timberland boots and that really pissed God off, because God preferred Gucci. So God shouted. “MOSES, TAKE OFF THOSE SHOES!” Yeah, something of the sort.

The escape from Egypt

Now Pharaoh, a filthy rich Arab had enslaved the Israelite s. He used them to build him some really great real estate like that pyramid of Giza and shit. Then he rented out the real estate and bought himself expensive stuff. A Bugatti Veyron, A BIG ass yacht and some nice platinum bling bling. He thought he was clever. But one day, my nigga Moses gave a hell of a speech and caused the Israelite s to riot. The speech went like this. “This pharaoh is a pussy ass nigga, he sits in his 10 bed roomed mansion while we bust our asses out here every day. Well, he can kiss my ass. Come with me and let us burn this motherfucker. Am out!” And the Israelite s burned that place and got the hell out of there.

David and Goliath

David was a handsome young fella in Israel. All the bitches in his hood fancied him. Because he had this charming smile and a mischievous twinkle in his eye, and David loved them back. Indeed, David’s favorite song was always strapped by Bird-man and Lil Wayne. Each day as he sauntered in his neck of the woods, with a bevy of damsels behind him, he could be heard singing the chorus
“Always strapped when I hit the club, niggas give me dap, bitches give me hugs, and since am paid, niggas be mugging me, you know I’m mugging back, bitches be loving me, they know I love em back.”
And then he would delve into verse one.

“Check me out look…
26 inches, bitch I’m sitting crooked
Old school Chevy, faster than a silver bullet…
Straw berry paint, seats vanilla pudding…
Two bitches, gone and eat each others pussy…
Top chopped sent the car to the barbershop…
My driveway looks something like a parking lot…
I’m so unorthodox…
I got your bitch riding my dick with no shocks…Bounce bitch, bounce, bounce.
In short, those were the happy days, the days before Goliath showed up. Now Goliath was a beast of a nigga, belched out from the underworld to ravage pillage and rape. All the while singing Lil Wayne’s pussy, money, weed. Indeed, Goliath loved only three things, pussy, money and weed. And so he set black fear into the hearts of the Israelite s. “I will kill you all, cut out your heads and piss in your throats, and then I’ll finish it off by raping your corpses.” He bragged. He was a warrior unlike any other. But in the end, David fucked him up.

Solomon and his harem

Solomon, the son of David was the greatest Casanova the world has ever seen, the greatest the world will ever see. I mean, if you want a nigga who had them bitches. Then it’s this brother. Can you believe that my homeboy Solomon had 1000 bitches? Caucasian bitches, ebony bitches, black bitches, white bitches. All kinds of bitches. He even had bitches who loved bitches. Solomon would wake up like. “I want to fuck a white bitch today, or I want to fuck two bitches today.” Isn’t that the life to live? If I had 1000 bitches I would be like, “fuck yeah!!”

To be continued……

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Five thoughts every guy has had. They will not admit it though.

The joy of writing is exploring uncharted waters, revealing hidden truths, judging and substantiating mannerisms, all from a position of convenience. (Bujabs Dennis)

Being a guy, that is to say, a male specimen of the Homo sapiens species is trying at best. Nevertheless, we (guys) all dance to the adage when given lemons, make lemonade. Nature dealt us this card, and so we play, and while doing that, we entertain thoughts. Please understand that these thoughts are not meant to demean or discriminate. These thoughts are derived from common curiosity, the wish to know. After all, if curiosity killed the cat, then satisfaction brought it back.

WHAT IS IN THE HEAD OF THE BRIGHTEST STUDENT?

At one point in life, every boy has fell prey to this, it usually reveals itself in a school setting, just after the teacher/professor or lecturer hands back the results to an exam, only for the culprit to realize, that the things they wrote as answers couldn’t have been further from the truth. To add salt to injury, there is always this one person in class who scores in the top percentages every single time, to this hated and envied genius, every concept is simple, every chemistry equation balance-able, every mathematical equation understandable and every biology terminology memorable. You end up opening the biology textbook, to study the human brain and see if brains are different, maybe the clever idiot has two parietal lobes. Alas, you realize that brains are all the same, and therefore there is no one to blame for your stupidity, as such, the only suitable course of action to hate the clever idiot more.


IF ONLY I WAS BILL GATES


God made man, man made money, money made man very jealous. Every guy, in their secret musings, fantasizes about being the richest man on the planet, I mean, what is more enviable than having more dough than anyone on earth, and trust me, every boy, man, father and grandfather wishes to be the subject of envy. It is an obvious rationale that, if people envy you, you are better than them. That much money, I would pee on the main street of the capital, abuse the president, have sex in between the goal posts of the biggest football stadium and buy a big ass yacht and name it “Am richest”
Alas, wishes are not horses. Sorry folks, there can only be one richest man at a time.


I NEED A SUGAR MUMMY


Ladies, don’t be fooled, every sane guy, born in lower classes of society, has thought this thought. Do not misunderstand, thinking it is not the same as doing it. Besides, this thought is only entertained when money is a problem, financial difficulties can make even then most sane guy do the most insane things. Problem is, the sugar mummies we think about do not even exist. We usually visualize, a rich beautiful madam, in her early thirties, looking for sex. But then we realize that the only sugar mummies out there are ugly grandmothers, in their late fifties, who for one reason or the other, never had enough sex in their nether years and want to be reminded what if feels like. Yuck!


 AM I HANDSOME?

Believe it or not, and no matter how much they might argue to the contrary, guys are emotional too. If a guy undergoes a long dry spell (And for idiots who don’t understand what a dry spell in this context means… A dry spell is a period of loneliness and sex deprivation, where every lady a guy HUMBLY requests to have sex with refuses) the guy in question will start voicing questions, one of which will be if they are handsome. The problem with this mentality is that it achieves nothing apart from self-pity. And those feelings of depression will be magnified if you are ugly to begin with. So ladies, next time you see a guy considering to kill them self, just give him sex. Pretty please..?




WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE TO HAVE A THREESOME

YES! Guilty pleasures. Threesomes are every guy’s dream, the number three is symbolic. It is divine. And before you judge, just picture what every guy pictures when they closet themselves to masturbate.
One guy. Two ladies. One room, NAKED.
Damn, that is some legendary shit the likes of Pythagoras theorem and trigonometry, it’s primal and sensual like the pyramid of Giza or something. It ALMOST happened to me one time.

So, ladies there you have it. The secret list of five

Monday, 4 April 2016

Stereotypes we should do away with.

  Conformity is the death of progress.
 
Typically, am possessed of philosophical tendencies that drive me to questioning notions I deem illogical. What society condones and accepts, and that when looked at keenly don't fit, I upset.
That said, there are these assumptions based on misdirection and prejudice that we will do well to put away.  Today I lay bare these societal stereotypes and those that drive them.

STEREOTYPE 1. Every successful person achieved their success through sheer determination, hard work and resilience

Driven by: Rich lazy snobs looking to justify their ill gotten positions.



Ladies not so much ladylike and gentlemen not so gentle, the saying nothing comes on a silver platter doesn't apply to everyone. Not every one starts from the bottom, some individuals are privileged to start from the middle, and at times even the top rungs of the societal ladder. They then proceed to yammering about how they started from the bottom and succeeded through effort. Never having known a day of hunger, dropped out of school or experienced the dozen difficult experiences that comes with poverty. If you are guilty as charged, stop running your mouth about your parents or relatives success, you, like so many others, are a lazy, luck buffoon.


STEREOTYPE 2. Every female socialite is a prostitute

Driven by: Ugly, jealous women looking to console themselves on their oh so slovenly looks.



If your looks leave a lot to be desired, blame your ugly parents. It doesn't give you the license to go about preaching the every socialite is a prostitute gospel, I mean, who are you to judge. In addition, most of the time female socialites cash in on their looks, and that's the same as what models do the world over. So by saying female socialites are prostitutes, does that mean female models ride the same boat. Go think about that.


STEREOTYPE 3. Every unemployed person is a brainless underachiever

Driven by: The society at large.




This stereotype is laughable. In a bastardized nation, where employment and professional advancement depends entirely on your connects and the people you know, to think that every unemployed person is brainless is just, well, very foolish.


STEREOTYPE 4. Every street urchin is a runaway. 

Driven by: Mean, stingy individuals searching for an excuse not to part with a few coins on the streets.


This stereotype goes a long way in showing just how much the society is warped. Some individuals would rather keep a few coins and tell a street beggar to go back home, this to a person who knows no home but the street, than to give said beggar a few coins to buy breakfast. And we say human beings are humane, animals savage. In this case, the vice versa is true.


STEREOTYPE 5. Without money, relationships are bound to fail.

Driven by: Weave wearing, mascara painting, gold digging bitches whose fake eyelashes are the least fake attribute you need to worry about.


These women's ambition in life is to find a successful man, one whose success they did nothing to bring about, and latch onto the said man like some bed bug, hoping by all that is good that he will provide them a good life. Well, if you are guilty as charged, allow me to enlighten you. What do you take that rich man for? A fool? Do you think he will not see you for what you are? In most cases, you will be used and dumped. Its just that simple. You cannot reap where you did not sow.


STEREOTYPE 6. Every pregnant lady had sex

Driven by: Guys everywhere



This particular stereotype is understandable, sex being the most efficient and easily accessible tool for impregnation. Nonetheless, just because a woman is pregnant, doesn't necessarily mean they had sex. In this medically advanced world, there is such a thing as artificial insemination. The introduction of sperms into a woman's uterus for the purpose of achieving pregnancy. In addition, I have heard of rare cases where a woman became enceinte by swimming in a pool, and was vaginally penetrated by dexterous sperms. 


STEREOTYPE 7. UNIVERSITIES ARE INSTITUTIONS OF HIGHER LEARNING.

Driven by: Old fashioned education stakeholders, who fail to understand that the application of the syllabus in society is non-applicable. 



In high school, I would sometimes sit and ponder, awe struck, at what the universities represented. Institutions where the few privileged to attend get access to previously hidden/sacred knowledge that would somehow make them the betters of their counterparts not so privileged to have gone to university. I was wrong.
Imagine my horror and disappointment when I got to university, after just one semester I realized that the body I worshiped was a bedlam of corruption, a dogma of lecture missing lecturers and marauding "pupils" who sought the flimsiest excuse to riot all the while masquerading as enlightened university students.


STEREOTYPE 8. CAMPUS LADIES ARE LOSE, PARTY LOVING, BOOZE DRINKING INDIVIDUALS.

Driven by: The religious sectors of society.



All generalizations are false, including the generalization that all generalizations are false.
The above stereotype is perhaps easy to substantiate, that because the larger percentage of night club patrons in any night spot close to a campus is usually university goers. Nevertheless, the generalization is false. Believe it or not, there is a large number of University students that love books, and who would rather visit the library and drink coffee.


STEREOTYPE 9. ALL POLITICIANS ARE CORRUPT, LYING, POWER HUNGRY IDIOTS.

Driven by: Vote seeking politicians.




I can relate to this, having watched several parliamentary reruns and debates, to think different is hard. But, I am one of a few individuals that know they are not always right. I know for instance, that, somewhere in the world, there is a not yet discovered politician, whose motivations and intentions are pure.


STEREOTYPE 10. ALL MAASAI'S ARE BACKWARD AND OLD FASHIONED.

Driven by: The government, for the purpose of  attracting revenue bearing tourists.


http://oliviapalermo.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Screen-Shot-2013-12-04-at-10.57.48-AM-1200x580.png
You see them in commercials, at the airport welcoming tourists, on the streets. Garbed in red shukas, ears pieced and hair painted. The society paints them as backward and illiterate,  that, however is not the case. Some are tech-savvy, socially trained, fashion conscious individuals. Take L-jay Masai, the gospel singing sensation for instance.  

Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Who is a man.



Who is a man? 

This is a question I have asked myself times with no end, for days I have sat and pondered this mystery. How then does one qualify to be called a man?
Is it a standard to rally to, Is there a criteria that measures the mettle of boys and as a result elevates them to the status of man hood.

For so long we have been led to believe that a man is an adult human male, but I digress. Surely age alone is not enough to earn one this most noble of tittles. Surely not muscle or height, not even wealth or achievement.

A dilemma I say, what then could it be, how best can we evaluate and measure a man.
Should it be by the breadth of one's chest? Should it be evidenced by the appearance of pubic hair? Should we perhaps measure a man, by the size of his genitals? On a light note, If that is the case, then I qualify. Should we perchance, measure a man by the number of ladies one has intercourse with? All the above perhaps are a part of manhood, essentially they are important. But I for one, is of the opinion that they alone, do not, should not, qualify a person to be a Man. The name, man surely embodies more than that.

Therefore, I question again. Who then is a man? I thought deep and pondered long, and because at the end of the day, we can lie to all but ourselves. I realized the following.

A man mustn’t be an adult male, or a person of legal age. Manhood surely should be measured by one's determination to do the best they can with what they have. It should be measured by one’s courage and ability to rise above discrimination, to rise above circumstances. And in the end, rise back from setbacks. Manhood should be measured by one's ability to handle rejection and heartbreak. It should be measured by the goodness of one's heart. Loving self, and loving others.

It should be measured by one's honesty. A person’s ability to face the consequences of his choices and his actions. Manhood should be one's humility, the ability to accept correction.
To know that one cannot always be right. To be able to listen to others.
Being a man is a life style.

So look deep within yourself. And ask. Are you worthy?
Are you a man? Or are you just pretending to be one.

Does your name, define or confine you.

The world is full of double standards, do yourself a favor, be true to yourself

A rose by any other name, would smell just as sweet, we all know this.
So what’s in a name, a sense of identity? Some supposed ideal suggesting purpose and belonging? I fail to understand why so much importance is attached
on names. Names are just that, names.

Personally, I’d like to think that Dennis does not encompass fully the individual I am. Indeed, I would go ahead and categorically state that Dennis is not me. Perhaps, right now, you are thinking that Dennis Ohuru has lost it, perhaps you are thinking, what the hell he is talking about denying who he is. Indulge me, allow me to expound, I say Dennis is not me for the following reasons.
Dennis is not an explanation, neither is it a definition, Dennis is just, what they mention to get my attention. The name in itself doesn’t elaborate my deepest desires, nor does it reveal the passion and ambition that is fundamental to the person I am. My name doesn’t in any way showcase my abilities and talents, nor does it instantly grant knowledge of the inner workings of my brain to third parties upon introduction.

In the end, it falls upon you, yes you, to define yourself, never letting anyone tell you who you are, but rather, telling them who you are. Live however you want to live, love whoever you want to love, be whoever you want to be, not because that’s what you have to be, or because you are expected to be that, but because you owe it to yourself to be who you want to be.

And now you, like me, are in the know, your name is not you, if and ever you doubt it, refer back to this article

The rest of your life, can be the best of your life

I have been alive long enough to know that life is all about making memories.
A phenomena that science and human ingenuity in all their unrivaled brilliance have failed to solve is aging, its simple, we are born, we grow, we grow, we grow still, we grow old, then we die. That’s just how life is.

I absolutely have no problem with that, death scares the shit out of me like every one else, I don’t have to like it, but I accept it. Because the secret to happiness is accepting what you can’t change, when you do, you become so much happier.

And so I have always known and accepted the fact that, one Wednesday, I will die. Yet right now, in this moment, I am alive, and it falls to me to create the best memories I can, so that when my day comes, I am not filled with regrets of what could have been.

My word, to anyone that will listen, is , eat what you want to eat, wear what you want to wear, love whoever you want to love, fuck whoever you want to fuck, be the person you want to be when you want to be. Because in the end, It is all about YOU. Your life is yours to live.

So live it on the edge, turn a new page each and every day, get out of the societal cage, and pledge, to not only exist, but to live, for life is for living and not living up tight.
The rest of your life, still has the potential to be, the best of your life.

Thursday, 10 March 2016

Humanity, aware or inanimate

Humanity, aware or inanimate
“Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.”

Have you asked yourself this question, what is our purpose of existence, what is our position in the scheme of things. Is there a reason behind our existence, or are just pawns in some great galactic game. To be born, live miserably short lives, most of it spent in unfruitful pursuit of happiness, then die and be forgotten.

Have you, like me, ever wondered, if indeed human beings are sentient, are we really awake and aware, or are we programmed beings, placed and destined to lord over the less intelligent animals, cursed with the urge for self actualization, a figment of our imagination. This i say, because, the most common human trait the world over is conformity, wanting to fit it.

Humanity at its most basic and fundamental state is flawed, the society segmented into classes according to wealth and possession, the richest being the upper class, the poorest the lower class. Every one is born and fit in, according to circumstances which at the very least, is none of their fault. Growing up, every one is made to do things in a way that is NORMAL and ACCEPTED by society. “Go to school.” why? because every one goes to school, it is expected. ” Dress this way and not that way.” Because that is how PEOPLE dress.

Nobody questions these things, but maybe its time we did, maybe its time for questions. Maybe its time to challenge the status quo.

I choose long ago, never to conform and always to question the existing state of affairs. Conformity is the death of progress. Do not look to fit it, but instead, aim to stand out. Then maybe, just maybe, we will be more than we are. We can be better.
My closing statement is this, we should always aim to improve, until our good is better, and our better is best.

DENNIS ohuru

DENNIS ohuru