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Monday, 29 February 2016

The Dick, A tribute

The dick, yes, that's what am going to write about today, 
I am outrageous like that.
Every man should be proud of his merchandise, and to that end, I hereby dedicate a note to it.

They are the poster children of all orgasms,
They deserve to be stuffed and mounted like trophies over a fireplace.
Put on display behind bullet-proof glass, with heat sensitive alarms and motion detectors at the smithsonian of cork-doom.

If mine were to speak for itself, it would say, "I am who i am."
And if you are cursed with a tooth pick of a dick,

sorry, pinch yourself and pay homage because we have nothing in common in dick zone.

When he goes horizontal, he becomes monumental,
he's DETRIMENTAL and leaves bitches all sentimental..
this is because he rarely does repeat performances, 
he is that ht-and-run like he ain't got insurance guy.


Am forever grateful and proud to be having him hanging like a mythical god of fertility over my balls.

Friday, 26 February 2016

The Ladies. A blessing or a curse.

Objects of dreams…
Subjects of nightmares…
Some are drop dead gorgeous…
Some are smoking hot…
You look at others and fail to assign them a fitting superlative, in the end you call the God-forgive-me-for-what-am-thinking…

Some are innocently guilty of the crime prettiness…
Some give you the shits…
Others could be detrimental on your instrumental…

This right here goes out to the ladies…
I love you because I can’t live without you.





Miss Leggy Leggy

The details of yester-evening remain solidly plastered on my cerebellum…
 My eyes were idly roving my surroundings, that’s until they fell on her…
And yes, I fell in love.
Not only with her face, her face, the definition of beauty.
And not only with her grace, her slow, booty rolling, hip swinging gait.
But also with her legs, especially her legs, Mon dieu!!!
She had holy legs….

Holy because the English language doesn’t have a better word, and even if it has, there is just no better way to word it.
This lady had a way of stretching those beautiful, long, sexy, never ending walking apparatus to a beat in my mind that suggested illegal things.
The way my fingers could steal their way up those goddess legs, draw minute patterns up on those fleshy thighs, damn! What the fuck am I saying!
Back to the story, before my optical telescopes could get accustomed to miss leggy leggy, she went around a corner and was forever lost to me.

But I will remember those legs, and were they holy legs!

LA BELLE ANUNDA

                         
 All my life, rarely if ever, have I beheld a fille with attractions so calculated to bewitch a garcon.
I would if I could, make you mine.
Your Madonna face.
Crowning the body of a Venus.
The sensuous sculptured Nikki minajish figure.
I could only gaze at creations genius.

 I do not know if what words I write make sense,
They could be nonsense…I do not care.
All I know is you are the definition of beauty…
You with your splendid eyes and charming smile.
I could traverse many miles, navigate many a Nile.
If I knew that smile and its owner awaited me at my journeys
 
I still cannot make up my mind whether am glad or sad that fate should have thrown you in my path.
A few hours then you were gone, but I will remember you Naomi.

You are to me, and will always be. La belle Anunda.

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Thursday, 25 February 2016

THE ELECTROCARDIOGRAPH




     ***By Bujabs Dennis***
 
Life, if we could dissect and disseminate it, if we could but put it under microscopic investigation, would resemble the images seen on an Electrocardiograph found in hospitals. The graphical rise and fall of a patient’s heart beat depicting the struggles we face each and every day. 
Ask yourself this question, why is it that when the linear progression on an Electrocardiograph goes flat, it means the patient is dying or dead? Medical professionals will no doubt answer promptly that, when the machine goes flat, it means the heart stopped beating.
So how is this relevant to our lives?  What lessons can we draw from this metaphorical insinuation? I for one, is of the opinion that a life without struggle is no life at all. I say this because struggle builds character, struggle strengthens bonds, struggle breeds optimism and hope for better days, also it determines the mettle of a person, struggle is perchance nature’s sieving bowl, acting to separate the wheat from the chaff.
The French say, “A vaincre sans peril, on triomphe sans gloire.” To win without risk, is a triumph without glory. And so I say to you, to live without struggle is not to live at all.

The nymphomaniac



Of sex I can only say, it has drove many to madness, so what if am a victim, sue me.

My penning ability has been innate for some time, but that is no longer the case, it is a part of me, it wanted out, so today I release it to wreak havoc on these pseudo writers who for some reason think they can compete on my level.
I am a writing prodigy, so raise your glasses, and toast your crushes, because am back, and that’s back with a capital B and an exclamation mark! Today I write about a mythical character, one am looking for and praying to find. The fuck of my life.
This controversial topic came to me as I sat in my humble hacienda, and so there I sat, thinking about things I shouldn’t think about, dreaming about glory and future greatness, scheming and planning on some lass whose pants I want invitation. Anyway that’s a by the way, back to the story.
As I sat brooding and musing, I thought to myself, “Bujabs, you’ve had a good run, you’ve led your dick on many campaigns and won legendary conquests, you’ve battled on many a battle field, most times with no monetary cavalry to ease your strife, nonetheless, you won. What remains is for you to lay a nymphomaniac.
One that you will sit your grand children and tell them about, a sexual escapade so gripping and notorious as fast and furious seven. One that will keep you warm in your gray days. And by a nymphomaniac I do not mean a stunning beauty, or a popular face, but a lady who will forever remain the fuck of my life.
This mythical lady will be my champion, and to that end we will print and wear shirts written hers and his.
She will have eyes that can rape, and lips that with a single kiss can make a nigga slap the dean of schools. She will know how to shake her bum bum like those ladies in Konshen’s girl a bubble video. She will have a voice to rival that of Lucy, do not ask me who Lucy is, must you know everything?
She will be a bedroom bully akin to Letisha, daaaamn, that’s a story for another day.
And speaking of the bedroom, the fuck of my life will be a screamer, she will scream her guts out and not because she’s faking. I have a thing for screamers, I feel it’s a proper reward for my trouble, especially when I go down on her.
This lady will no doubt know how to blowjob a nigga, like that Jacky chic who blowjobed me in a cyber cafĂ©.  My mythical sex goddess will deliver the type of blowjob that can make a fellow go back home, put his legs on the table, and send his papa to the mall.

Ambitions as a Rider

Each and every one is a wannabe, everyone wants to be something, according to yours truly, the stigmatization on the word wannabe is misdirection and shallow mindedness.
Wanting to be shouldn’t be looked down upon, wanting to be is the first step in the journey of being, today, the society, friends and family are so full of reasons why you cannot be before you become. Once you are, they come back frolicking saying, they always knew you had it in you to be.
Hence, do not for one minute pay attention to anyone who is of the opinion that you will not achieve what you desire, my word to you is; never stop believing, in yourself, your dreams, your aspirations and ambitions. Once you believe, do not stop at that, and this is where it becomes tricky, working on your dreams, see, no one ever made it by sitting around on their hunches and dreaming all day long.
You owe it to yourself to work hard, to be relentless in the pursuit of your dream, the musician Wale in the song ambition correctly says, it is easy to dream a dream, but it is harder to live it. So keep on keeping on, working hard and playing hard, till you make it or break it.
Till next time, it’s your boy Bujabs.

****Brought to you by creative writer Dennis Ohuru/Bujabs Dennis. ****

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

How to use a push mower.



The SE series 22” push mower.
                            



Above is a typical example of a push mower, an essential garden tool for any family man,
push mowers are suitable for medium sized lawns, when used, they offer a clean, robust, crisp cut, they also offer an opportunity for a workout while doing something constructive, mowing your lawn!

If you are thinking of purchasing one of these for the first time, and wondering how you will actually use it, consider the following tips;

How to operate a lawn mower

1: Stand behind the push lawn mower machine.
2: Use one hand to hold the engine stop lever in the operating position.
3: Use the other hand to hold the recoil starter handle.
4: Slowly pull the recoil starter handle until you feel resistance,, then pull to start the push mower engine.
5: Start mowing.

Tips when operating a push mower

1: Turn OFF the blade when crossing gravel drives, walks or roads.
2: Mow across the face of slopes: never up and down, exercise extreme caution when changing direction on slope.
3: Always keep your push mower blades sharp.
4: Mow moving forward, NEVER backwards.
5: Always be sure of your footing, if at any time you feel you are losing balance, release the blade control handle immediately, the blade then stops rotating within 3 seconds.
6: Always be on the lookout for holes, ruts, rocks, hidden objects or bumps.
7: Sloped yards are a major factor related to slip-and-fall accidents, which can result in severe injury. While operating your push mower on a slope be sure to exercise extra caution, it’s advisable not to use a push mower on a slope greater than 15 degrees.



How NOT to operate a push mower


When operating a push mower.
1: Do not mow near drop-offs, ditches or embankments.
2: Do not mow slopes greater than 15 degrees.
3: Do not mow wet grass as unstable footing could cause you to slip.







Monday, 15 February 2016

Hallucinations

What is an hallucination?…
The most probable answer is..an hallucination is fantasy.. something imagined..the mind’s visual presentation of an event or object that is not at that moment existing or present…

We can even argue that hallucinations are the exact opposite of reality.. the vice versa of happenstance.

Made me ask myself..what then is reality.? …the answer that came to my mind almost immediately was …reality is life as we see and know it..reality has in itself a component of that which is witnessed…that which is real..

But,hypothetically speaking,what if,we in general are hallucinating reality…..
what if reality is imagined..what if we perceive reality the way our minds want us to..and not the way it really is..
I mean, a mad man doesn’t for one second think he is mad…furthermore, we are all born and inducted into a pre-concieved society with pre-existing notions and expectations.

What if it is all a ruse..a cover to something much bigger than ourselves… I read once that.. and i quote.. “If we give up what we are,we become what we can be.”
Also.. scientists are forever telling us that we only use a small capacity of our brain..
And  so i sat down and thought,and after a long self consultation in my complicated and sophisticated monologue.. I came up with these assumptions..

Assuming that an hallucination is imagined.. and reality is the preconceived notion of society.. maybe we are all mad.. or better still.. maybe we live in an hallucination.. perhaps..if we can rise above our petty version of reality.. we can become supreme beings… perhaps.. we can even be gods. Food for thought. Am OUT.

THE TEN COUNTRIES WE DIDN’T KNOW EXISTED WHOSE NAMES ARE AN ABSOLUTE MOUTHFUL


THE TEN COUNTRIES WE DIDN’T KNOW EXISTED WHOSE NAMES ARE AN ABSOLUTE MOUTHFUL

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We live in a world of cultural diversity, different nationalities, different races and peoples of different religious affiliations, we are born into families and for some of us, other countries exist only on the forgotten fringes of the atlas, this article aims to educate, to entertain, and most of all, to ridicule, sit back, relax, and join me in this journey of written discovery, the countries that we know nothing about, rarely read about and never think about. These countries are populated, and like your country, they have capital cities and presidents. Enjoy your read.

AZERBAIJAN
Capital: Baku
Population: 9.417 million (2013)
President: Ilham Aliyev
Currency: Azerbaijani manat
Continent: Asia
Azerbaijan, the nation was a member of the Soviet republic; it is surrounded by the Caspian Sea and Caucasus Mountains, that is in itself enough information to render one asleep till July, but we soldier on, In the noble pursuit of knowledge, Its capital, Baku, is known for its medieval walled city, think of castles and the likes and you are on the right track, Within this walled city, lies the Palace of the Shirvanshahs, a royal building, enough with the academic blah blah.
Azerbaijan is a country with citizens and a capital city to boot, I for one couldn’t convince myself of that fact until I goggled and found information on it, even then I was a little reluctant until my geography atlas confirmed the fact, I didn’t even want to know the country’s capital city, my argument being, if the country’s name is in itself such a mouthful! What of its capital, thank God the capital city is named Baku.
You would be forgiven to think names ceased to exist and that’s why whoever was responsible for naming this country settled on that. “Azerba. Urgh! You try it, that name can be responsible for a serious case of tonsils.

DJIBOUTI
Capital: Djibouti
Population: 872,932
Currency: Djiboutian franc
Continent: Africa
Official languages: French, Arabic
Located on the horn, yeah, you heard right, the HORN of Africa, Djibouti is a country of shrub lands, volcanic formations and salty bodies of water. Come to think of it, Djibouti is perhaps the last place anyone will ever think of, and that is a fact. You don’t believe, try this experiment, close your eyes, and place yourself in a meditation state of mind, and picture Djibouti, very shortly you, like me, will come to the conclusion that, that is impossible.
Sometimes I think this vocabulary disaster of a name was done intentionally, Djibouti! the name belongs in a dark, long forgotten marvel movies’ file, maybe the name a character was given then thought of as whack and taken back, If I was a citizen of this country, I would write to the UN begging for an intervention, I wouldn’t sit back and torture myself everyday thinking about the embarrassment the country’s name was causing, and as a result, embarrassing me in extension.

KAZAKHSTAN
Capital: Astana
Population: 17.04 million
Currency: Kazakhstani tenge
President: Nursultan Nazarbayev
Even the internet, the father of all truths, knows very little of this county, have you ever heard or watched a movie with references to this place, better yet, have you ever heard someone, anyone say they were citizens of  Kazakhstan. It is that obscure, shrouded in mystery and lost to thought. Existing on the fringes of information and the edges of the atlas.
What happened to simple, beautiful names like America, Kenya, Brazil, Australia, England, Sweden, Spain and Canada?  I mean, Kazakhstan! Seriously! As a name! Whoever is responsible for this miasma should be arrested, tied to the back of a Bugatti veyron, dragged through the streets of Amsterdam and arrayed in the international court of thieves and offenders, The Hague! Following that, they should be sentenced to serve a lifetime in the cold prisons of Siberia. Maybe then, they will learn their lesson. Kazakhstan! Makes you want to vomit, wipe your mouth, drink some water and vomit again.

KYRGYZSTAN
Capital: Bishkek
Currency: Kyrgyzstani som
Population: 5.72 million
President: Almazbek Atambayev
Kyrgyzstan is a central Asian county, home to snow leopards, lynx and sheep, that is as far as educating you about this country goes. Let’s get back to the good stuff.
Hahahahahaha! Forgive me, I just had to laugh at that one, am not even going to critique this one, the president should be given the Nobel Prize of the most embarrassing country name in the whole universe. And to think that this country participates in the Olympics, a shame, I figure, if aliens existed, they would stay in this particular country, it would no doubt possess an alien appeal to their alien sense of humor. In my over imaginative mind, I can actually picture aliens walking the streets of Kyrgyzstan, doing summer shopping and communicating via some form of advanced cell phones. Kyrgyzstan, the country of aliens and the absurd, it would be called, at least then we would know about it, and the name wouldn’t sound so strange, it would be fitting for the country’s citizens.

LIECHTENSTEIN
Capital: Vaduz
Population: 36,925
Liechtenstein is a German-speaking nation, located between Austria and Switzerland. Popular for its medieval castles, alpine chalets and villages linked by trails. And guess what, the absolute killer! It is only twenty five kilometers long! That means you can drive the whole length of the country and back in under one hour!
If I wasn’t still aching from laughing at the previous country’s name, I would laugh at this also, Liechtenstein, the name reminds me of a particularly nasty night mare that waking up saved me from on the eve of New Year, well, that is beside the point, what is the point? Is there really a point to naming a sovereign state with citizen this way! Even tourists wishing to visit must really get discouraged I figure. I for one wouldn’t visit this country even if I had a rumor diamond was growing on the streets. The name frightens me, what then would actually going there do, “ladies and gentle men, fasten your seatbelts, we are landing in Liechtenstein in ten minutes.”  No sooner would the pilot say that than I would faint and wake on the returning flight.

MYANMAR
Capital: Naypyidaw
Continent: Asia
Currency: Burmese kyat
President: Thein Sein
Official language: Burmese
Myanmar was formerly known as Burma, makes you wonder whatever in hell possessed these people to change that perfectly good name for this, it is located in South Asia and is known by those that know it for its bustling market places and numerous lakes.
You would be forgiven to assume that the country’s name was the name of an endangered species of bird found in the Amazon forests of South America. God knows that’s what I first thought. I wasn’t too far off on my guess either, Myanmar is a jungle country, covered by a humongous jungle where deadly snakes roam to strike at the unsuspecting citizen, whose only crime would be being born in that country, if you doubt me, well, visit Myanmar and see for yourself, I hazard you will return will some king cobra mark on your legs to show for your trouble. And an angry attitude to boot, me on the other hand, would assume my I told you so face.

UZBEKISTAN
Capital: Tashkent
Currency: Uzbekistani som
Population: 30.24 million
President: Islam Karimov
Uzbekistan is a central Asian nation, formerly part of the soviet republic, known for its mosques, mausoleums and other sites linked to the Silk Road.
This here is a good example of human confusion, my opinion is, some idiot president somewhere wanted to name this country BEKI, another faction in the government thought STAN would probably be a better name, still another faction thought. “Why not UZ!” so in the end, after a lot of no nonsense discussions over state luncheons, they settled on UZBEKISTAN. I for one would very much like to have those gentle men over; I would strip them naked and force them to march through the streets yelling. “We should not name our country stupid names!” over and over again till they learn the error of their ways. I would then ship them back to their country, deck them in Armani suits, make them call a press conference, whose Agenda would be, you guessed right, changing the country’s name.

TURKMENISTAN
Capital City: Ashgabat
Population: 5.24 million
President: Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow
Currency: Turkmenistan manat
Located in Central Asia, on the shores of the Caspian Sea and largely covered by a desert called the Karakum desert on the mainland, the county is known mainly for its archaeological ruins.
The above information reads like the script of some epic fantasy, authored by George Martin or something, it certainly doesn’t seem like information on a county existing anywhere on planet earth. The capital city’s name sounds like a bad disease, an epidemic scouring away the earth’s population, place yourself in Turkmenistan’s president’s shoe, at the UN summit, you meet President Obama in the corridors and introduce yourself, “hello, my name is Jezrel, President of the sovereign state of Turkmenistan.” if I was president Obama, I would fake a coughing fit just to get away, then rush and inform the security that a mad man was in the building, posing as a president.

SEYCHELLES
Capital: Victoria
Currency: Seychellois rupee
Population: 89,173
Continent: Africa
President: James Michel
Seychelles, A mouthful indeed, is an archipelago nation of 115 islands in the Indian Ocean. Very close to East Africa, it is a big tourist definition, a paradise on earth for lack of a better word, a favorite among travelers who have in the past discovered this destination, known for its beaches, coral reefs, scuba diving, nature reserves and rare wildlife. Seychelles is indeed a place to visit.
My opinion is, those responsible for naming this sovereign state were bored, lacking anything of meaning to do, they then turned to the only thing they could see that merited doing, coming up with the country’s name, one gentleman, satisfied and lazy after his enormous luncheon, decided that, since the country was an island in a sense, surrounded by the ocean, they should call it Sea, the others refused this saying sea was too obvious a name, they needed something sophisticated, a name hitherto unheard of, another very lazy mind suggested they name the country Hell, to mock the biblical hell, this too was denied, with the argument being that the church would feel offended, in the end, they merged the two and came up with, wait for it, Seychelles.
I hope that for all those ignorant of this country’s existence, this article has done its job. And now you know. Off all the countries whose names are vocabulary juggernauts, this is the only one I would very much like to visit.


LUXEMBOURG
Capital: Luxembourg City
Population: 543,202
Currency: euro
If you thought Europeans were somewhat refined and civilized, then you, like me will be severely disappointed. What if not madness, would result in a country being named such a mouthful. And to add salt to injury, the capital city is called Luxembourg City. God help us all.
I for one thought Europe was a continent of countries with suave and sophisticated names, Sweden, United Kingdom, Portugal, Italy, the Vatican, Greece, and Finland. Imagine my horror and absolute disappointment discovering this state, hidden on the fringes of the atlas, I felt utterly betrayed, more like our lord and savior felt when he was betrayed by his favorite disciple. I was possessed by a sudden uncontrollable desire to tear my clothes, wear sack clothes instead and pour ashes on my head, to usher in a period of prayer and fasting for this country and its peoples.
What stayed my hand and caused me to abstain from that rash course of action, was the realization that the country’s name is not the fault of the citizens, those who came up with this disaster of a name are long dead, waiting the day of judgment, to answer for their crimes. One of which will be, naming a country Luxembourg!

DENNIS ohuru

DENNIS ohuru