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Wednesday, 20 April 2016

Extracts from a nigga scripture.

The hood called Eden.

In the beginning, Adam, a nigga holding it down in the hood called Eden. Pimped out in Versace, with Jays on his feet like in the chorus of that song 23 by Miley Cyrus, was enjoying a siesta with his mamacita Eve when suddenly she decided to go on a stroll.
“Yo Adam, let me hit the Jacuzzi in the garden for a few.” She said jovially and set out with purpose, she was dressed in a Victoria Secrets bikini, and was looking real good. Looking real good. Just before she got to the Jacuzzi the hater Lucifer showed up, now you need to understand that Lucifer was always trying to hit it but Eve refused him severally.
So when he showed up, his heart green with envy he hollered. “E.V.E, you looking good gal! Same as always, same as always, I got something for you.” And Eve was like, “What the deal is?” Then Lucifer was like “ I got this apple laptop in my crib, and I can pour you some Ciroc too, plus I really think you need to let me hit that.” Well, you know how that story ended.

The burning bush

One hot day Moses was out doing some touring, he had left his Porsche 911 back at his hacienda, preferring to just go on foot. Besides, he had his iPod too, and was listening to some maybach music. Suddenly he spied a burning bush. Damn, he got curious my nigga.
So he decided to go check it out. “Let me drop by in my new new, in my you can’t afford this and check that out.” he thought to himself. When he got to the bush, he noticed something strange, the bush was burning but the bush wasn’t burning. He was like. “W.T.F!” He didn’t know that God was in the fire.
Also Moses was wearing these Timberland boots and that really pissed God off, because God preferred Gucci. So God shouted. “MOSES, TAKE OFF THOSE SHOES!” Yeah, something of the sort.

The escape from Egypt

Now Pharaoh, a filthy rich Arab had enslaved the Israelite s. He used them to build him some really great real estate like that pyramid of Giza and shit. Then he rented out the real estate and bought himself expensive stuff. A Bugatti Veyron, A BIG ass yacht and some nice platinum bling bling. He thought he was clever. But one day, my nigga Moses gave a hell of a speech and caused the Israelite s to riot. The speech went like this. “This pharaoh is a pussy ass nigga, he sits in his 10 bed roomed mansion while we bust our asses out here every day. Well, he can kiss my ass. Come with me and let us burn this motherfucker. Am out!” And the Israelite s burned that place and got the hell out of there.

David and Goliath

David was a handsome young fella in Israel. All the bitches in his hood fancied him. Because he had this charming smile and a mischievous twinkle in his eye, and David loved them back. Indeed, David’s favorite song was always strapped by Bird-man and Lil Wayne. Each day as he sauntered in his neck of the woods, with a bevy of damsels behind him, he could be heard singing the chorus
“Always strapped when I hit the club, niggas give me dap, bitches give me hugs, and since am paid, niggas be mugging me, you know I’m mugging back, bitches be loving me, they know I love em back.”
And then he would delve into verse one.

“Check me out look…
26 inches, bitch I’m sitting crooked
Old school Chevy, faster than a silver bullet…
Straw berry paint, seats vanilla pudding…
Two bitches, gone and eat each others pussy…
Top chopped sent the car to the barbershop…
My driveway looks something like a parking lot…
I’m so unorthodox…
I got your bitch riding my dick with no shocks…Bounce bitch, bounce, bounce.
In short, those were the happy days, the days before Goliath showed up. Now Goliath was a beast of a nigga, belched out from the underworld to ravage pillage and rape. All the while singing Lil Wayne’s pussy, money, weed. Indeed, Goliath loved only three things, pussy, money and weed. And so he set black fear into the hearts of the Israelite s. “I will kill you all, cut out your heads and piss in your throats, and then I’ll finish it off by raping your corpses.” He bragged. He was a warrior unlike any other. But in the end, David fucked him up.

Solomon and his harem

Solomon, the son of David was the greatest Casanova the world has ever seen, the greatest the world will ever see. I mean, if you want a nigga who had them bitches. Then it’s this brother. Can you believe that my homeboy Solomon had 1000 bitches? Caucasian bitches, ebony bitches, black bitches, white bitches. All kinds of bitches. He even had bitches who loved bitches. Solomon would wake up like. “I want to fuck a white bitch today, or I want to fuck two bitches today.” Isn’t that the life to live? If I had 1000 bitches I would be like, “fuck yeah!!”

To be continued……

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DENNIS ohuru

DENNIS ohuru